Choosing Which Older Woman to Become

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be an older Christian woman lately.  Maybe because I am entering the empty nest phase of life, maybe because I have been observing certain women who claim to be doing the “Titus 2” thing the “right” way, whatever the cause, I am at the crossroad where I feel like I need to take a hard look at how an older woman is to conduct herself and choose accordingly. 

The favorite verses of the “Titus 2” influencer set reads this way: “Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5  These verses, like the rest of the Bible, are good and full of truth and instruction on the best way to live.  But the way I see this playing out in real life causes me to question what it means to be someone older with life experience and the different ways I have seen this as I grew and looked up to older women when I was younger. Maybe you have seen the same thing as you grew and matured. I have seen two distinct kinds of older women in my life.

The first type of woman is the one who takes her story and assumes her experience is common to all women.  Her mistakes are the same mistakes all women make.  And she has great pride in her experience and assumes because she has reached a certain age, she has all the answers. She shares her experience and advice with great confidence that if all women would do like her, everything in their lives will be good and their children will turn out well.  After all, these women have adult children who are believers, so clearly they did all the right things. And she has the guaranteed formula for raising good kids.  “Prone to wander” doesn’t apply to her.  Like the parable of the Pharisee and the tax collector in Luke 18, these women publicly say, “Thank God I am not like other women,” and then extol their own virtues and how they raised their kids.  Others will say things like “At my age, I feel like I have the right to say what I think.” (This one I didn’t observe online, it was said to me personally by a woman in her 70’s about 15 years ago.) These women are often unteachable.  When other older women with a different view point out flaws in their arguments, they are quick to contradict and criticize, not leaving any room for the fact that they may not have all the answers. Some of the prominent ones with online “Titus 2” ministries just block and delete comments from sincere Christian women challenging their assertions using the Bible. Then they turn around and say they must be correct because they are being “persecuted” by people who disagree with their conclusions.

The second type of older woman believes her sanctification is a work in progress. The older she gets and the more she studies the Bible, the more prone she is to echo the tax collector in Luke 18:13-“But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” These women believe that it is by God’s grace and despite their failings and sinful nature that their children grew up to be believers.  They will tell you they cannot judge another woman for her choices, because the older they get, the more they realize they have not walked in other women’s shoes and cannot necessarily relate to the circumstances they find themselves in. They don’t believe they are anyone worth emulating, but when you talk to them, your life is enriched by their life stories and the wealth of experience they share in a humble manner and the way they marvel at all the things God has brought them through.  They will be honest with you about their struggles and their kids not always walking the way they would choose them to.  Above all, they are loving and care about the nuances of your situation in a way that exudes the love of Christ and doesn’t tell you there is one right way and one wrong way to handle the situation.

I have observed both kinds of women, and I am thankful that I have seen both types in the last few decades before I got to the point of an empty nest.  I am blessed to have more of the second type of woman in my life, including my own amazing grandma, who always encourages me even when she is relating a story of tragedy from her long life.  Her attitude always echoes Job 1:21-“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” And I can tell you, the choice for me is easy.  I definitely don’t have all the answers, although sometimes I’d like to think I do.  I know not all women have the same story I do.  And while I may make certain choices, I have no right to demand other women make the same decisions to live the way I do.  We are all individuals and have a unique story.  And we all must live according to the way God leads us, even if other women think our path is the wrong one.

The choice of which one I want to be seems pretty easy.  And even saying the choice is clear, I know it isn’t easy to continue examining myself for areas that need improvement.  “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9