Moms Judging Other Moms

I am so very glad the internet was a new thing and we just had dial-up when my kids were small.  Now that my kids are grown and social media is a thing, I am seeing what probably already existed since time began being magnified 1,000 fold.  Moms judging other moms for parenting choices just seems to be the norm these days.  And I’m here to say: It needs to stop.

I get it; we all have opinions.  I have them as well.  I even think most of what I did for my kids was the right thing to do, although I definitely made some mistakes and went through some trial and error.  But while I think I did what was proper and appropriate for my own kids, I cannot in any way tell you that what I did with mine is the best way for you to parent your own kids.  Why?  We are all different.  There are as many different ways to raise your kids as there are combinations of personalities, health challenges, financial situations, and religious convictions.  These things all combine to make a unique situation that applies only to you and your children.  Can you look at all the advice and options and decide what to try?  Absolutely.  If it doesn’t work, do you have the freedom to try something else?  Again, yes.  Keep trying until you find the things that work for you.

Maybe some of you don’t know what I’m talking about, so I will highlight some examples.  Let’s start with feeding your baby.  Some people demand feed.  Some feed on a schedule.  I have seen some articles definitively stating that feeding your baby on a schedule is child abuse.  But some of us had to have a schedule.  And if you start with a fairly loose and liberal schedule (like every two hours) no one is abusing or starving anyone.  (Side note: I have a pituitary condition that required things to stay fairly regular in the feeding department or mastitis and all manner of other disasters happened.  So I will judge no one for feeding on a schedule.)  Also in the area of feeding, whether to breastfeed and how long is also an area of judgment.  I once heard one mom berate another mom for considering weaning at a year because “your baby needs you.”  Can I just say, this is ridiculous?  I have also seen a mom so dedicated to trying to breastfeed that her child wound up in the hospital (failure to thrive). Thankfully, he rebounded, and they found the right formula to help him grow into a robust and healthy toddler.  However it works for you, just feed your baby.  Don’t feel guilty if you can’t nurse for long.  Because of the aforementioned condition, I used formula after 6 weeks with my oldest and quit around 10 months with the other two.  They all grew fine and normally, with a normal amount of childhood illnesses.

Another example of moms judging other moms is whether or not to hold your baby all day (attachment parenting). Some women swear by it; some of us like to go to the bathroom alone.  I had a very sensible young lady who was expecting her first child tell me that a friend had told her attachment parenting was worth it, but that she would cry a lot.  She evaluated this and decided to put her babies down from time to time.  If you don’t mind having your child with you 24/7, go for it.  That doesn’t fit my personality, and that’s okay. But it’s also perfectly fine if that’s the way you and your baby thrive together. 

On the subject of babies sleeping, some people like the family bed, some let their children cry it out. In this area, I finally let my oldest cry it out (for my own sanity) and it worked for me.  I totally understand how hard it is.  But it is NOT child abuse.  My children who cried it out (the first two) were not emotionally damaged by the experience, and are well adjusted adults.  I will say, after finally getting my oldest to sleep through the night using this method (and it only took two nights), if she did cry in the night, I knew for sure something was wrong, because it was no longer normal for her.  But I will also say, God has a way of teaching you that you don’t know as much as you think you do.  Baby three didn’t follow the same rules as the first two. While she was able to go to sleep at naptime and when I put her down just fine without crying, she never stayed asleep.  And crying just made her acid reflux worse. So I gave up and just let her come into our room at 3 am.  She eventually grew out of it.  But I learned a valuable lesson: not everything I did for one child was automatically going to work for all of my children, and what I do doesn’t necessarily work for other people.  And that’s okay.

Discipline is another area of contention.  While I have evolved to think that spanking for everything isn’t the best way to teach kids to do what is right for the right reasons, I understand deeply held convictions about how the rod is to be used.  But sometimes the pendulum swings too far in the other direction and you have no correction happening.  There has to be a balance, but each family has to find the balance prayerfully, and it will look different in every family.

One final area I see a lot of moms judging other moms, in particular in the homeschool community, is on television and media standards.  Some moms proudly tell you they don’t even own a television, and their children don’t have that evil influence.  Some parents have the Disney channel and let their children watch Lab Rats (okay, it’s a dumb show, but even I find it entertaining.) I was a member of a homeschool page on Facebook that centered around media.  The moms were all over the spectrum in their standards, because everyone is different.  But often a simple question about one show or another devolved into “I can’t believe you would let your innocent child watch ______.” And “Watching ______ is inviting evil into your home.”  Again…this needs to stop.  We all need to be fully convinced in our own minds what is appropriate and not appropriate, know our own children and what they can handle, and be prepared to discuss anything that might come up.  There is balance in everything, and I fully believe shutting out every evil influence to the point your children don’t know it exists is leaving them unprepared for the world we live in, but that is another topic for another day. And you can feel free to disagree with me and do things another way.

The older I get, the more I realize that I don’t have all the answers. And that my way isn’t always the best way for someone else to live.  After all, God’s grace is sufficient, even for all of my parenting mistakes.  And it is enough for you too.