What is the Purpose of Disciplining Our Children?
I have always been taught that you need to spank your
children, but do it “properly,” as described in Shepherding a Child’s Heart.
We tried that method briefly with our oldest, but wound up gravitating to a
different way based more on the communication section of that book than the rod
of correction section.
So what is right? I
believe we have to go back to the purpose and goal of discipline: to turn our
hearts towards God and the sacrifice of His son, Jesus Christ. Key verses that stand out to me with that in
mind are the ones that teach He sent his Son “while we were yet sinners.” I also lean heavily on the understanding that
God is merciful to me to NOT give me the punishment that I deserve, and that His
grace, or unmerited favor, is offered to me much more often than I acknowledge
in my sinful heart.
It seems to me that discipline has to be determined on an
individual basis and can change over time. But the heart of training a child is
always communication and instruction. You have to be careful to make your
relationship with your child one of openness where the child feels they can ask
you anything in order to instruct them and train them up in the way they should
go. Spanking isn’t totally prohibited,
but it seems to me to be the least effective training method for the majority of
children, especially if it is the only punishment given.
It seems to me from observation of children who were reared
mainly using spanking that there are several outcomes that are common. One is a child who obeys only because they
are afraid of punishment, but when that external enforcement is removed, the now
grown child pursues whatever his or her heart desires because the obedience was
merely external. The other type of child
I see is the one who learns through fear of his earthly father’s punishment to
be afraid of God and his punishment.
This child when grown finds it hard to make decisions because of fear of
God’s wrath if he does something wrong.
Because our children internalize a lot about God from the way we parent,
there has to be a balance. Grace and
mercy have to be part of the mix.
I find it interesting to see the word “rod” used in the 23rd
Psalm. Just a quick search this morning
led me to the conclusion that the word “rod” is not always used in the context
of striking something. After all, a shepherd
uses his rod to direct a wayward sheep and also to ward off enemies. Discipline
has to have a heart change in mind. And, honestly, it has been my experience
that you cannot force a true heart change.
It has to be cultivated by two-way communication between parent and
child, and not heavily weighted towards punishment. Any punishment should truly fit the “crime”
so children learn that actions have consequences. (An example: If a child deliberately makes a
mess, they have to clean it up, and maybe clean something else in addition if
the action was not merely a mistake of childhood. Spanking doesn’t teach the
child the specific consequence of their action in this case.) Training this way
is messier and takes longer than spanking to get outward obedience. But I believe the long term fruit is better.
I will say that I did not do this perfectly, or even
well. I am human and got frustrated with
my children from time to time. I have been guilty of over-lecturing them at
times, but I hope I have apologized enough to make up for it. We did not spank
our children much once we realized it was not effective with our oldest and she
needed more explanations and relevant consequences. We also did not have a list
of rules our children were punished for violating, mostly because the Golden
Rule and the Ten Commandments seem to cover almost anything you can think of,
and we understand from experience with human nature that rules are made to be
broken. I think we gravitated towards a “spirit of the law” rather than a “letter
of the law” mentality fairly early on. Our Catholic upbringing helped steer us the opposite direction from a
legalistic understanding of just about everything, including child rearing, and
for that I am thankful.
So, in conclusion, I don’t believe spanking is prohibited,
but I also don’t believe it is the most effective way to train children and
show them the love of God. Everyone needs discipline, but it will look
different for every child. And all we
can do is pray that God will lead us to the most effective method for each of
our children and forgive us when we mess it up, because we always do.
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