Talking Back to Purity Culture Review

This is going to be a mixture of a review of this book and my own observations of the fallout from the “purity culture” that has been a big part of homeschool circles since Josh Harris kissed dating goodbye in 1997.

First, a little background on us in this area.  My girls were growing up when the purity culture was in its heyday, and there was a lot of talk about courtship versus dating and purity rings and guarding your heart.  We believe that purity is something to pursue, but my girls didn’t read any purity books until they were grown.  We dabbled on the edges of the movement and saw several courtships carried out, but we didn’t do purity rings, and by the time my oldest graduated from high school, we were starting to see the fallout from the formulaic way it was handled by so many and we all kind of took a step back and started to examine the way it has played out.  Then people who were prominent in the movement started walking away from it.  Many started getting divorced. And others in my girls’ circles made comments from time to time about how the teachings damaged them, even making marriage a little challenging because the young ladies spent years being taught not to “defraud” young men and that all guys are predators, but then they got married and had trouble making the switch mentally.

The book Talking Back to Purity Culture by Rachel Joy Welcher does a really good job of looking at what the Bible says about purity and where the legalism of the purity culture movement took things. She mentions how she was promised that if she followed all the rules and courted instead of dated, she would have a great marriage and lots of children.  She points out that this is completely wrong.  Marriage doesn’t work like that.  Kids are not a reward for following a strict set of rules. In her case, her first husband walked away from her and their marriage after 5 years.  They had followed all the courtship rules, but had no children. It was after meeting her second husband (a pastor) that she started down the path of putting in writing all of the ways this mindset is damaging. She is still a believer and believes purity isn’t a bad thing, rather that it is a heart attitude and not just a set of rules to follow. She also talks about how grace is left out of the mix and shame follows those who fail to follow all of the rules.

What have I seen in this area?  A lot of damage of all kinds.  I see divorce, adultery, abuse, kids who walked away from their faith altogether because of it, and others who spent their teen years so scared of looking at someone of the opposite sex because of purity rules that they are unable to have a relationship and get married.  Also, I see a lot of relationships that make me question why people in homeschool circles think courtship is superior to dating.  For instance, if the courting means your kids, even as young adults, always have listening ears around, how can they actually get to know each other? Or if a relationship is so short that you jump straight to marriage after a very short period of time, how do you identify red flags?  It’s super easy to fake good character for a short period of time. I don’t recommend dragging out a relationship for years on end, but I also think 6 months isn’t enough time to identify character flaws.   If you are still in the infatuation phase of a relationship, you act differently than if you let the newness and excitement wear off.  Marriage is something that is supposed to be for the long haul, and we all settle back down into our routines and normal behavior after awhile. A relationship should be long enough to identify problem areas in your relationship and work some of those things out before you say “I do.” (Side note: The very wonderful pastor that married us actually had us come in for counseling before we even got engaged.  It was super helpful. We had been in a serious relationship for over a year at that point, and we also had some trauma going on…my husband to be was losing his father to lymphoma…so it was really good to work on those things before we even got engaged.) 

I also have gotten the impression (and Talking Back to Purity Culture reinforces this) that the whole point of pushing a strict set of purity rules is that it will supposedly give you a great marriage.  I don’t believe you can tell someone that if they follow a set of rules they will have a great marriage. Marriage takes work, no matter whether you courted or dated to get to the altar. It includes a lot of setting your own wishes aside, on the part of both spouses, and no amount of what you did or didn’t do before you got married is going to make that any easier. Also, a houseful of children is not a reward for following rules, and fertility problems are not a punishment for not following the rules. All things we experience, including having children or not being able to have children, are for God’s glory and not really dependent on what couples did or did not do or rules they did or did not follow.

Another one of these teachings I have heard quoted many times that I have a problem with is the idea that if you have more than one relationship, you will give pieces of your heart away and have less left for your future spouse.  It sounds good until you actually apply a little logic to the situation.  I have three children. I did not have less love to give my second and third child because I gave pieces of my heart to my oldest child. I also have a big extended family.  Do I have less capacity to care about them every time the family expands?  This has to be one of the most illogical arguments for courting only when you are ready to marry someone rather than dating to get to know someone.  All it does is makes sincere young people hesitant to move forward in a relationship unless they are “sure” this will lead to marriage.  That means some of them never move forward at all out of fear it might be the wrong person. 

I also have a major issue with the way those who strictly adhere to the purity culture teachings assume or even teach their kids that everyone will get married.  This is statistically not true. And single people are not second class citizens or people who are being punished for a sin.  I cannot in good conscience teach my daughters that God wants them to get married. He may. He may not.  What is most important is for them to follow His will all of the days of their lives, married or single.  One is not better than the other.  And for us to teach our children that marriage is the be all and end all of life is to ignore parts of scripture that talk about how a single person can serve God without having to consider what a spouse needs.  I am not knocking marriage; I love being married, and I would like to see my children get married and have families of their own. But I don’t think they will be less important or less able to contribute to God’s kingdom if He doesn’t bring them a husband.  I only want to see them following Him all the days of their lives, no matter how that looks.  We in the church have to stop treating singles like second class citizens. 

My kids are grown now.  A couple of them have gone on a date or two.  I realize it would be different if they were teenagers dating, but at this point, they are all mature adults and could leave now if they don’t agree with my ideas.  We have treated them like mature adults and let them make their own determinations in this area. After all, if they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to set their own boundaries.  Also, it has to be something that comes from their heart, not simply our set of rules.  Rules are made to be broken, and it is far better to pursue the spirit of purity than just follow a set of rules.

I highly recommend this book for Christians who want to make sense of where the I Kissed Dating Goodbye movement went wrong. There is a lot more I could say on this subject, but it's already too long, so I will leave it at that.  Go read this book.  You won't regret taking a hard look at the way we have approached purity over the last 20+ years and thinking through where we go from here.