Review of Created to Be His Help Meet and To Train Up a Child

I am in the process of writing a draft of a homeschool resource book, and decided to check out a few books that were (or still are) popular in homeschool circles while I was raising my kids, but I skipped for one reason or another.  We lived on the fringes of the strict purity movement and other movements that pushed a very legalistic mindset, and were blessed to be a part of a homeschool group that was run by wonderful women who practiced grace based parenting.  I felt this need to find out what these books were like for myself rather than just relying on reviews.

I never really felt led to review books before, but these first two were so horrifying to me that I felt like I needed to actually write a review.  So here are my reviews of Debi Pearl's Created to Be His Help Meet and the book she wrote with her husband, To Train Up a Child.

**I believe the concept of male headship is biblical, but also, if a man loves his wife as Christ loves the church, conflicts over submission are rarely if ever going to be an issue in a marriage.**

Created to Be His Help Meet

This is quite possibly the worst book on being a good Christian wife that I have ever read. The few (very few) nuggets of wisdom are overwhelmingly overshadowed by the negative and, quite frankly, harmful advice Debi Pearl gives, most often in a harsh and judgmental way that borders on overly dramatic.  Every instruction is followed by the sentiment, “If you don’t do it this way, your husband will divorce you and you will wind up on welfare in a crappy and unsafe apartment.”

The worst advice she gives is to those whose husbands are abusive.  One scenario was of a woman whose husband threatened her and her unborn baby with a butcher knife(!!!) The woman was encouraged to stay with the abusive husband so she could win him over to Christ with her kind and submissive nature.  Women were encouraged to avoid provoking abusive husbands. Women were also blamed for just about every sin a man commits.  Your man has a bitter temper?  It’s probably your fault because you talk too much.

Your husband asks you to commit a crime?  Call the cops and get him put away, but stay married to him and visit him in prison.  Your husband molests your kids?  Get him put in jail for 20 years or more, but stay married to him and bring the kids to visit him several times a year.  Are you kidding me?

A letter was shared from a woman whose husband picked out a new stove for them, but then asked his wife to come look at it before they actually purchased it.  The wife related that he had picked out a top of the line stove, but that she had told him the next tier down (less expensive) would do her just fine.  So, he ordered the cheaper stove.  Debi Pearl raked this woman over the coals for undermining her husband by not letting him order the more expensive stove.  He literally asked her opinion, like a good husband, and was not upset that his wife preferred the cheaper option.  Most good husbands are okay with a wife being more frugal.  Debi Pearl says this is bad.

She lists 3 different kinds of husbands: 1) Mr. Command, who feels the need to order his wife around in every way (she is married to one of those.) These wives have to cheerfully submit to his every whim and be available to him for whatever he demands 24/7. 2) Mr. Vision, who has all kinds of grand ideas that usually wind up in having no money and living in poverty, a man who usually doesn’t work much.  These wives are supposed to enthusiastically go along with whatever harebrained scheme their husbands come up with, even if they know it will result in not being able to pay their bills. And, 3) Mr. Steady, who is a hard working, kind husband who encourages his wife and asks for her input on things.  In my opinion, Mr. Steady is the only worthwhile husband. (I am married to one, and would not want to see my daughters marry a Mr. Command or a Mr. Vision.)

Don’t ask your husband to repair things around the house…a good wife will do all the repairs herself, and make sure the lawn is mowed so her husband can go fishing instead of doing yard work.  Her husband appears to have a servant, not a wife.  I don’t know about you, but we usually tackle most repairs and home projects together.  I have only mowed the lawn a time or two.  But he doesn’t do the laundry or make our meals, so I figure we make a good team.

One last example of horrible advice: There was a letter shared from a woman who had sick children and then her newborn was developing a fever. Her husband came home and wondered why the house was a mess and why dinner wasn’t made.  The woman was lamenting her husband’s lack of compassion for what she had to deal with and his demand that dinner be early so he could go to choir practice.  Debi Pearl told the woman she was in the wrong for being upset.  No matter how much she had to deal with in caring for her sick children, she should have been more organized and done it all.

There is a lot more, but let’s just say I found a lot about this book to be disturbing.  I much prefer The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace.  She is a lot less harsh and judgmental.

For a different and very thorough review, check out this Tim Challies review of this book: Part 1 Part 2

To Train Up a Child

I had heard about this one for years and how bad it was.  There were, again, a few nuggets of good, but this was also overshadowed by a whole lot of bad advice.

First, the good: I agree wholeheartedly that children should never be punished with Scripture.  That definitely leads to kids that associate God and the Bible with punishment.

Now, the bad: The first thing I noticed was their advice to set your infant up to be punished, although they call it “training.” Training in this manner may be fine for animals, but not for children.  They advocate setting a toy out of your infant’s reach, telling them not to touch it, and then smacking them with a switch (made from a slim tree branch) when they touch it.  I cannot even imagine purposely setting up my infant to be hit with a tree branch. 

They talk about disciplining an infant that bites while nursing by…pulling its hair!  What a horrible way to treat a baby who is experimenting with new teeth! They say Debi “only” had to pull their hair two or three times to get them to stop doing this.  I think a better method…and I only remember my two kids that nursed long enough to try biting me biting once each…is to say ouch loudly (this was a spontaneous response, because it does hurt) and unlatch the biter, ending the meal.  Isn’t this a preferable method to pulling your baby’s hair?

Another method mentioned was when a toddler started hitting Debi with a toy wrench, she picked up another toy and hit him back…ten times….Are you kidding me?  All this shows is “Be the bigger bully.” Take the toy away and say no.  Period, end of story.  This is a toddler.  An adult hitting a child back is ridiculous.

This book was shorter, so there is less to pick apart.  But I can understand why there have been allegations of severe child abuse against people who followed their methods.

So there you have it.  I would definitely not recommend either of these books to young wives and mothers.

For a review of To Train Up a Child that contains some deeper insights into the theology of the Pearls, check out another Tim Challies review: Part 1  Part 2